Soul Searching

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 Been doing a bunch of soul searching lately.   Trying to figure out why I let myself get to 360 pounds - what caused me to eat even when not hungry?   I'm sure it has to do with my childhood - I remember being so hungry that I regularly ate dried pasta uncooked because that's all I could sneak out of the house.   I thought I was soooo fat back then, but looking back, I wasn't - I was just freakishly strong.  It'll take a lot more soul searching, and maybe some therapy but at least I'm more aware.

Same thing with working out.  Since Phil moved to Florida in August - I haven't worked out much at all.  It's just not the same.  I've tried to get back at it - but I'll find a million a one excuses - I'm really good at that.  I hired a new trainer after Phil left - he is a decent trainer, but young,  He's cancelled on me often - and while I get upset, since he's doing me a favor by getting there at 7 a.m. and hour before the place opens so I don't have to work out in front of people - I can't really get that angry.   But I haven't worked out with him since before Christmas.   He went to Florida, then I went to Florida, then I took Adam back to school, and then I had COVid.  But we were supposed to start back on Tuesday - and at 5:30 Tuesday morning - he cancelled.  I cried.   Legit cried.   Tears are welling now just thinking about it.  

I reached out to my Macros coach - I didn't want to eat the tears away.  She said something so profound....


and that's it.   I was sooooo excited to get back at it - and when he cancelled - I was crushed.  Which is stupid really because I can do it on my own.   I know that.  I just really miss someone kicking my ass when I didn't feel like doing the work.  Someone to laugh with while sweating like a pig.   Someone to piss me off so I work harder.   So I guess it's time to start searching for a new trainer or training partner.


I wish I could get this one back.  He had more faith in me than I had in myself - still does.   But I'm going to keep working on it !




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